Transcending Stress: Part 2
The Transformative Power of Being Kind to Yourself
I first learned about self-compassion from a Buddhist meditation teacher in India. I was going through a tough time and wanted to leave my soul-sucking job and become a Yoga teacher. However, I felt a lot of shame and self-judgment about leaving a high-paying job to pursue Yoga when my kids were still in high school. The teacher leading the group talked about the importance of compassion not only for others but also for ourselves. He said it is essential to include ourselves in the circle of compassion and treat ourselves with the same kindness, care and concern that we treat a good friend. When I realized we are allowed to be nice to ourselves, and in fact, it is encouraged in Yoga, it was like a light bulb went off.
Shifting my self-talk from a judging, criticizing voice to a compassionate and caring voice was exactly what I needed to learn. From then on, I set an intention to try to be "self-compassionate" towards myself. I have seen the power of this practice in my own life, and it is one of the foundational pillars of my Yoga Studios and Teacher Training School. It is not just the Yoga tradition that teaches the benefits of "self-compassion. Lots of research shows that if you have negative self-talk or judge yourself, you can feel angry and anxious, leading to all kinds of psychological problems that can stop you from getting what you want most out of life—happiness, peace, and success. Many women find it hard to get off the treadmill of self-judgement because they learn body image is supposed to meet some ideal standard. So how can we feel good about ourselves when the bars are supermodels. Even the supermodels can feel insecure compared to other supermodels. By the time young girls get to junior high, their confidence begins to take a nosedive, and the cycle of self-judgement begins to form a habitual way of thinking. The good news is that self-compassion can reverse that pattern when we start talking to ourselves like we would a good friend.
If you have ever taken a Yoga class, one of the first things the teachers say is "give yourself this time to let everything else go—it may be waiting for you after the practice, but this time is for you". Yoga teachers love spreading the word about self-compassion.
First Steps to Self Compassion—Acceptance
If we want to have more peace in our lives, we must start acting peacefully towards ourselves. How can we expect our external world to be harmonious when acting violently towards ourselves internally. Therefore, implementing a strategy to get more control over your thoughts is an act of self - compassion. Accepting who you are with all your ups and downs is where we start. Allow for your struggle and pain to just be there. Let yourself feel the heartbreak that surfaces. When you do this, compassion spontaneously arises. It takes you into a place of acceptance. Many of us are used to thinking that if you are not doing something or pushing yourself to do something, the whole thing will fall apart. We feel like the glue holding everything together is in our act of self-aggression, as if telling yourself to pull up your bootstraps is going to help motivate you. Actually, the research shows just the opposite. Self criticism undermines our motivation, turning on the body's “threat defence system—the fight or flight response” where it is all but impossible to think clearly and react with compassion.
So, what do we do? We use coping mechanisms like distraction to keep ahead of the discomfort that arises during challenging times when we suffer. This is difficult to understand or even accept. Still, when you allow for suffering, you learn something about who you are from the depths of your suffering. It is an uncomfortable place to be, so we keep pushing on, leaving no space to reflect on the rawness of life. We do this because we are uncomfortable exposing our vulnerability even to ourselves. When we allow feelings of self-doubt, fear, and imperfection to surface, they are not pleasant, and we strive to get rid of them. As a result, we keep busy trying to distract the mind but doing so comes at a price. Below are some of the ways we tend to punish ourselves relentlessly.
Striving for perfectionism;
Worrying about what people think;
Comparing ourselves to others;
Feelings of scarcity & lack;
Endless self-doubt
Check out our stress to peace course for in depth learning on stress management using the practice of yoga
Noticing Our Habitual Self-talk
If you are a constant self-critic, you continually have high cortisol levels, a stress hormone in your bloodstream. Eventually, to protect itself, the body will shut itself down and become depressed to deal with all the stress. So if we don't notice what we're doing to ourselves with harsh self-criticism, we can't give ourselves compassion. Instead, we have to become mindful of our habitual way of thinking. When you practice the technique of "awareness" covered in Part 1 of Transcending Stress, you will begin to notice the internal dialogue of self-judgement. As a result, you will start to gain the wisdom to turn towards yourself with gentleness, kindness, and compassion.
When you decide to act on your feelings in a positive way, it is the first step to self-care. It begins when you ask yourself: "What do I need right now to be compassionate towards myself and then actually doing something about it. Practicing Yoga, breathing, and meditation are all acts of self-care. It allows you to enter into the moment and notice your breath, mind, and sensations in the body. The next time you find yourself in the grips of self-criticism, acknowledge you are going through a difficult time and say to yourself: I am sorry you are going through this right now. Be open-hearted towards yourself and say the same things you would say to a dear friend. Deep down, we know how to be kind to ourselves, but we have forgotten how to do it.
Practice of Self-Compassion—How It’s Done
In a moment of struggle, acknowledge we all have struggles and personal failings—all humanity suffers; we are not alone.
Say the following out loud, if possible, to yourself:
This is a difficult time. I am struggling, but I am not alone
May I hold myself with gentleness at this moment
Can I be kind to myself right now
Can I be compassionate with myself in this moment
Take a deep breath in and a longer breath out 5 times
Journal Exercise:
How did this simple practice enable you to be more compassionate towards yourself?
What sensations did you feel in your body
How did the practice help you relate to others in your life?
Engage the Self-Compassion Practice at least once a day or as needed. Dr. Kristin Neff, who co-wrote the Mindful Self-Compassion programme with Dr. Chris Germer, is a researcher on the subject of self-compassion. She has written three books on the subject; ‘Self-Compassion’, 'The Mindful Self Compassion Workbook’ and ‘Fierce Self-Compassion’. To gauge your self-compassion meter take her quiz on her website. It will take about 10 minutes and it is worth the investment.
self-compassion.org/self-compassion-test/
To learn more about managing stress through the eyes of the Yoga Tradition join our “ Stress to Peace” course starting on Feb 20, 2022!
Uriel MacGillivary is the founder of Shanti Yoga Studios and Shanti Traditional School of Yoga on the East Coast of Canada. Her passion & study of the ancient teachings has expanded her view of how Yoga transforms the human condition. Uriel shares her knowledge and wisdom in these weekly posts. For more in-depth knowledge and experience you can join her in Yoga teacher trainings and retreats locally and worldwide.
For life changing Yoga, meditation and Yoga Nidra, check us out online shantiyogaonline.ca